so it turns out that there is something to this whole PMA (positive mental attitude) thing. I like it. Also, let me add that Paris is beginning to feel like home. Weird cause I was in a mega hate rampage here for the past few months. I think being broke had a lot to do with it, let me add hungry to that as well. Life is pretty interesting and watching my reactions to things makes all the difference. NO lie. I don’t mean to get all Buddha on everyone but seriously, it’s real, true story. It’s helping me a lot in my relationship to life, others and myself. I’m no saint now, let’s be clear about that but I am changing, growing and the quality of my relationships is really taking on whole new dynamics and quality. I longed for this for so long. I’m smart enough to know that it will get hard again I’m sure but the way I respond to it will hopefully forever be changed.
i don’t care if it is bad for me ok dude. i love these little breakfast sandwichs. <3
yes, yes, yes infinity. this album is amazeballs!
I turned off my computer, placed the bookmark neatly into the crevice of my book, and turned off my lights. As I rolled my body to face the wall, my pillow tucked into the embrace of my arms with a good hug, I caught a glimpse of the moonlight shining brilliantly through my large Parisian style window and thought to myself, I love this. What a scene. So lovely.
I then my eyes traced a beam of moon light in the room coming from the window. I got up and walked over, in search of the moon. I thought it was directly above my building so I looked up and it wasn’t the moon that I saw but tons of tiny specks of stars! Stars! I honestly haven’t seen stars since I got here to Paris. Then, tucked slightly behind the front building was the full moon, beaming like a flashlight in the sky. It’s these moments that make me grateful to live alone in a vintage style apartment in Paris. All is calm, even my never-ending machine of a head. It’s peace and there isn’t one single thing I would change about this moment.
Yeah it’s been a grippy. I just have been anti-writing these days but here I am, tapping in for another go at it. I guess I felt like I was whining too much and got all “what is the point of it all anymore?” type shit. I honestly have been going through all kinds of changes I probably should have been writing about but wasn’t cause I stopped writing for me. I was slipping into the whole “people pleasing” writing thing again and then almost certainly is every time followed by the expectations. It kind of bummed out my whole writing/journaling thing and I get all FUCK YOU about it. Wildly childish I know but hey, I’ve accepted that I am just like that sometimes and am working on it. Sometimes I love that part of myself and am not willing to let it go like the button that says don’t push but you feel like you just have to, ugh. Frankly, that spunky angst attitude is still pretty entertaining to me when I bare witness to it in others as well as myself.
So here I am.
At this very moment I am in the process of dying my hair and listening to my 7th grade mix I made on spotify. I really feel like I should exercise tonight before bed after looking at all the imperfections in my thighs and over analizing myself but I probably won’t. I much rather prefer to smoke more cigarettes, watch another episode of The Sopranos, and read two pages of this french book. It’s either or, no more long ass impossible “To Do” lists, not at night. I was zapped all day with this creepy, soul mangling anxiety. How lucky I was to have a friend with me close to all day. Helped ease the circus of my mind. One of the things I love the most about living in Paris is that I take a mid-day nap nearly every damn day and THEY RULE!!! Everyone needs a nap in the middle day. SANS DECONNER!